its the fear that got me here

where to start? there is so much in me that is wanting to get out, but i just dont know how. i sit with a pen and a pad for hours. but all i can do is make weird shapes and colour in the corners of the page. the frustration is making me ill! how long do i have to wait to find out what my time here is for? is this the only time i get? or do i have a second try? because it feels like i might be wasting this one. not on purpose. but because i am afraid to dive into the water without knowing what lies beneath it. is it deep or shallow? are there dangerous beasts? i know i can swim. but still i dip my toes in to test the water before i wade in knee deep. only to turn around and get my towel. all the while the other kids are splashing, playing and laughing.